Your child and difficult school topics

“I am calling because your daughter burst into tears in class today,” my daughter’s teacher said hesitatingly. “That really isn’t like her . . .”

The topic in school that day? Immigration. Beginning a new social studies unit, the teacher innocently asked her students where their ancestors had come from. As the only black child in her class, my daughter is herself an immigrant, moving to Canada from Haiti several years ago when we adopted her.

My mind swirled with all the complications that a question like this presented for a child in her circumstances, with the story of how African people first ended up in Haiti combined with the limited knowledge available about her birth family. Does she identify with the ancestors of her birth family or with those of her adoptive family? So many big questions for a nine year old to navigate! She felt overwhelmed, not surprisingly.

This is one example of the potential minefields waiting for foster and adopted children when they go to school. Other examples include inquiries about their “real” parents, the classic family tree diagram exercise and assignment to bring in a baby picture when foster/adoptive parents don’t have any. These children face a myriad of challenges that many other children do not face in school, on top of potential behavioural challenges due to being institutionalized and/or being abused or neglected.

What should a parent do to support their child through these circumstances? How can teachers be more aware and sensitive? A school setting that understands and appropriately supports a child through these unique needs is an invaluable asset to the child, but you will need to be a proactive advocate for achieving this type of support.

Here are some ideas for making this school year a good experience for your child:

1. Never assume that teachers or school administration “get it.” They may need to be educated about foster care and adoption and its impact on the family and your child. If you offer this information respectfully, they are usually glad to learn how to assist your child.
2. Ask about the coming year’s curriculum, the types of topics that will be covered and how these might involve discussions about family or your child’s previous experiences. Brainstorm and suggest things to the teacher to modify assignments to make them less emotionally laden for your child.
3. You don’t need to reveal all of your child’s private information, but tell the teachers enough so that they will appreciate the types of things that might be uncomfortable for your child.
4. Give your child’s teachers an idea of areas that the child has historically needed some help in navigating (e.g., Mother’s Day is often challenging for foster/adopted kids).
5. If your child has special learning challenges, you will often have to strongly advocate for specialized assessments and services. The sooner you address this, the better. Don’t assume the school will take the initiative on this.
6. Foster/adopted kids can be targets for bullying. Give teachers tools for educating other students about respectful language and understanding foster/adoption situations without revealing information that is too personal (e.g., “Sara does not live with her biological mother any longer, but she is being cared for a by a foster family. It is hurtful for you to tease her about her family. You need to stop that.”).
7. Keep the lines of communication open between yourself and your child’s teachers. Let them know what you are seeing/hearing about the school environment, and be open to hearing what the teacher observes.
8. Equip your child with accurate, simple ways to explain his unique situation in ways that preserve and support his sense of worth. Emphasize what your child has in common with school peers rather than what is different (e.g., “I have a family that loves me just like you do” or “I was born in China and you were born in Canada, but we both love soccer and music.”)

If and when difficult situations occur, be quick to make an appointment with school staff. Meet with the teacher and make sure that all the adults understand what has happened and why it has occurred. Work on finding solutions that will help your child work through the issue, empowering her to handle herself with whatever support she needs to resolve the situation for everyone concerned.

If you are interested in learning more about this topic, consider purchasing this webinar: “Adoption basics in the classroom.”*

Wendy Kittlitz is vice-president of counselling and care ministries for Focus on the Family Canada. She has worked as an adoption professional for 15 years and is also an adoptive mom.